" How did you manage to step on both of my feet at the same time? "

" Forget your ex, have meaningless sex. It rhymes because it’s true.”

" Yay! Enemies for life! "

" Another pitcher of your finest beer, good sir! And a glass thingy to drink it out of. “

" I have a sexy voice! Champagne. Mountain Range. Hugs. “

" When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J. Penis, Brain, Jaw. “

" Checking out my new bed. Great - feels like scoliosis and smells like 10 million butts. “

" We can fill his locker with shaving cream and loose hair. ”

" I cannot believe that I’m considering a non-violent option. “

" Blink twice if you’d like me to mercy kill you. “

" My mother cried when I was born because she knew that she’d never be better than me. “

" Here are the rules. No staring at your phone, no rolling in two hours late, no sweatpants, no jeans, no shorts. “

" I’m fine at parties. I just stand in the middle of the room and don’t say anything. “

" Oh man! All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal. “

" Chop-chop. There’s plenty of embarrassing to do and only a few hours to do it in. “

" Yes, 911? What’s the safest way to set a car on fire? “

" The English language cannot fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts, so I’m incorporating Emoji into my speech to better express myself. Winky-face. “

" Breakups are a cartoony thumbs down. They make people feel face-with-Xs-for-the-eyes. “

" That’s the name of your sex tape. "

" Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac. “

" I hate you. Not joking. Bye. "

" I was born for politics. I have great hair, and I love lying. "

“ No one asked you to take your shirt off. Stop volunteering to take your shirt off. ”

" The fairy princess castle has defeated me. “

" That’s Habanero pepper frosting because our marriage is going to sizzle. “

" I’m done with wolves now. I’m into angry unicorns. "

" I can taste my thoughts! "

" Don’t give candy to a baby! They can’t brush their teeth. "

" I’m busy right now. Working on this… excuse. "

8:38 pm Tuesday, August 26, 2014 | 122 notes
ask meme i'm in the mood for short things tonight yeeeee
source: hardertotame-archive-deactivate | via: dipperthepinetree-blog